


wishes that he was there

by sweetlyinfinite



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Freeform, M/M, Pining, Sad, all of these things don't really apply, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 12:11:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlyinfinite/pseuds/sweetlyinfinite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is sad and Niall is 20.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wishes that he was there

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! :) this can be for Macintosh, who smiles when she wants to and gets really mad at everything.

Zayn lies in his bed and as he stares into the seemingly never ending darkness, he wonders how far away his wall is and how many times he'd have to jump up and down on his bed for his head to reach the roof.

Zayn likes to think when he's alone at night, and he thinks about Niall mostly, with his crooked teeth and then his braces and then without them and with the dark roots of his hair and his soft eyes that are blue and always bright.

Zayn scratches his nails lightly up and down his stomach and he sends a message with his mind _I hope you have someone there to hold you and cuddle you as you fall asleep tonight and tell you they love you_. It seems as though he can't send messages with his mind though, so he lets it go wherever wasted thoughts go and wishes that he was there.

Wishes that he was with Niall and holding him and whispering, "You're 20, babe," in his ear as they drift off and wishes Niall would turn around and press a dry kiss to his equally dry lips and for him to say, "You're 20 too," and then giggle as they hum Zayn's favourite Taylor Swift song and Louis' least favourite.

Instead Zayn lies cold in his own bed with his thoughts and one of Harry's playlist filled with sad songs. He listens to the lyrics and tries to imagine who wrote them and what they were wearing and why they decided on those exact words.

Harry himself is on the playlist, the song he wrote with Sam: _Don't Let Me Go_. Zayn listens to that, too, and remembers last year with more Taylor Swift than anyone ever needs and less Louis and he remembers the broken photograph distinctly.

That bit's wrong, though, because it makes it out to seem like Harry broke the photograph, when really it was Louis who threw it at the wall in a fit of annoyance and anger. They were all there, with Louis in his and Harry's home, and they all watched as the glass shattered and littered the floor. They all watched as Louis' eyes became pained because Harry walked in just as it hit the wall and they all knew without turning around that the door was open and Harry wasn't there anymore.

Zayn recalls Louis sobbing into his chest, something about stars and forever, and he recalls the boys running after Harry.

He remembers wondering if he and Niall will be like that, well would be, really, because so far there haven't been any proclaims of love from Niall's end, not that Zayn ever expects some but he can still dream, can't he? Zayn remembers catching sight of his reflection in the glass window of a cabinet and seeing his eyes and noticing how tired and sad they looked and how much he and Louis comforted each other, then.

Zayn hopes tomorrow comes with thoughts that are fresh and much less upset and not connected somehow to Taylor Swift.

The next song is not indie at all, but it makes Zayn sad anyway. It's called _Angel With A Shotgun_ and he thinks about how Niall is his angel and he must be the shotgun. Zayn wonders if he's loaded.

It doesn't help very much, so Zayn skips the rest of it and _Make It Without You_ plays dreadfully through the speakers and Zayn skips that too.

Then he recognises the song without having to look at the name because it's _Summer Love_ and Zayn remembers that summer, a summer full of Niall and his boys and hot days and hotter nights and sweaty skin and swimming as much as they could. Zayn remembers Niall getting sun burned and teaching Zayn how to swim. He remembers fussing about Niall wearing sunscreen and how he was rubbing it into Niall's rosy cheeks and nose when Niall leaned in. That kiss was sticky with ice cream and surprise and a little bit of sunscreen gets on Zayn's mouth. He remembers Niall's grin when he pulled away, before he jumped into the pool, and he can remember thinking _I want this forever_. Of course he couldn't, but he still thought it anyway.

That's Zayn's favourite summer.

The last thing Zayn remembers is the second kiss, a kiss behind the stage.

How Niall grabbed Zayn's shoulders then moved his palms to cradle Zayn's cheeks and Zayn's mouth opened and he leant forward, forward so Niall's breath gets caught in his throat and Zayn's own breath ghosts over Niall's lips, sweet and warm. Then how their lips connected, and how nothing happened that was supposed to. No fireworks in his belly, no buzz of electricity running through his veins and ending at his fingertips, not even Zayn falling in love a little bit more (he couldn't, he already had given Niall his heart, and what else was there to give?). Nothing happened but everything happened at once, everything that was important, like Niall biting softly at Zayn's lower lip, and Zayn placing his hands on Niall's hips. How when they pulled away, flushed and breathless from stealing the other's breath, none of the boys commented on it, except for maybe Louis who winked.

How Niall's eyes sparkled with life and the solar system. How red his lips were, how absolutely pink his cheeks were. How good he looked. How good he looked because Zayn made him that way.

The song finishes and Zayn knows he's afraid of the morning and the night and waking up and not waking up and he does this all alone. Well, not entirely alone, because the music keeps him company and tries to fill all the dips and crevices and holes in his soul, but the words are too heavy and soak through to his bed sheets.

Zayn doesn't remember when he starts crying but his tears soak the bed sheets too and the playlist ends long before they stop.


End file.
